Built To Fade
Jan. 4th, 2012 03:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deeperwondermentTitle: Built To Fade
Author:not_from_stars
Rating: PG-13.
Word Count: 1,817 without the song lyrics.
Character(s): Stephen Hart
Challenge: The Song!fic challenge at![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
primeval_vsx
Summary: It wasn’t that he didn’t try to make the relationships he was in work out. He did try and he was sincere about wanting to be with whoever he was in a serious relationship with.
Author's Note: This became more bittersweet and angsty than I expected it to. Also, I have to say that writing one scene of this on Written? Kitten! was just a little bit wrong!
Song: Better As A Memory - Kenny Chesney
I move on like a sinners prayer
And letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song...
His track record with relationships of any kind beyond family had never gone very well. With the exception of his sister who was several years younger than him, the person he was closest to was his college professor. However, that relationship didn’t happen until he was actually in college and was in the class.
Before that, though, relationships were never something he was particularly good at. It wasn’t that he didn’t try to make the relationships he was in work out. He did try and he was sincere about wanting to be with whoever he was in a serious relationship with. The thing was, they just never worked out – whether he wasn’t what the person in question thought he was or because he lost interest in being on some kind of display.
His track record with relationships didn’t keep him from trying to make a long term relationship happen with someone. It just seemed that no matter what he did, a long term and serious relationship wasn’t destined to happen for him. He drifted from one source of companionship to the next and convinced himself that he wanted no ties to anyone. He didn't have a serious girlfriend or boyfriend because he wasn't mentally wired to work that way. He'd give the person he was with a very good memory and then he would move on to the next stage of his life and pick up the next person in a long line of meaningless nights or days.
He had almost convinced himself that it was the truth by the time he reached college. He wasn't a member of any of the fraternities or social groups on campus, but you wouldn't have been able to tell that from the way he drifted from hook-up to hook-up and never thought twice about the way his life was going. He studied and got good grades and the only one that dared to ask about his social life was his baby sister. If she was talking to him about his, then he didn't have to get protective of her or threaten anyone that might be thinking of making his sister their next conquest.
While he might not have been completely happy, he was at least content and had accepted that this was just the way his social life was going to go.
Then he met Nick Cutter and several things about his life and they way he thought about things started to change.
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man ...
Stephen didn't know what it was about Cutter that changed all of his preconceived perceptions about meaningful relationships and he really didn't know why he was thinking of the older man in a less than scholastic way. He didn't know what it was, but he did know that the ginger haired professor began to figure into more than one of his fantasies when he was alone -- and even when he was not so alone.
He had never been the type to pretend that someone he was with was actually another person, but that became more and more of a habit. He couldn't get the thoughts of Cutter out of his head and he wasn't sure that he would be happy if he did. What he was sure of was that he wanted Cutter in a way he had never wanted anyone else.
He wanted Cutter both above him and beneath him. He wanted to be on his knees in front of him and he wanted to hear his cries of pleasure as he used his mouth and hands to drive him crazy. He wanted to feel his hands tangling in his hair as he came. He wanted Cutter to pull him and press him against a wall, letting him just what he could do with that mouth that he couldn't get enough of staring at during class. He wanted to feel those callused hands on his back and his ass. He wanted to feel Cutter holding onto him like he was the only person that mattered in his world as he plundered his mouth with that tongue that he couldn't stop fantasizing about.
And if Cutter was less experienced in those kind of things that Stephen imagined him to be, well, he had been around and he could teach his professor a thing or two. It would definitely be a nice learning experience for the both of them.
And pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words...
When he discovered that Cutter was married, it should have stopped the fantasies. It should have stopped him from wanting Cutter so bad that he could almost taste him on his tongue. It didn't though. If anything, the fantasies and thoughts he was having about Cutter became much more intense. The hint of the forbidden made Stephen's mind and imagination go a bit further than he had ever gone before.
He certainly didn't expect what happened between him and Cutter's wife.
He couldn't quite remember how the two of them ended up in bed, but they did. And even though Helen was more experienced than he was and quite masterful about getting his body to react to her, he wasn't satisfied in his mind and spirit. There was something missing between them, something that he needed.
This was also the first time he felt ashamed of being with someone.
It wasn't just the fact that he was cheating on Cutter with his wife. It was the way he was thinking about all of this, and he knew there was something wrong with him.
He was shagging Cutter's wife and wishing he was with Cutter, instead.
Helen didn't make him think that any less. She was knowledgeable and good at what she did to his body, but she always held herself back. It was like she was enjoying her mastery over him, but was unwilling to give anything of herself beyond her body.
He tried to end things with Helen. He didn't want to keep going behind Cutter's back and risking hurting the one person in all of this that he cared the world about.
But Helen was unwilling to let him go. It wasn't that she cared about him, and he knew that as soon as the conversation happened. She loved that she had him in her control -- and she held it over his head that if Cutter found out about them, it would destroy him.
And so he was well and truly trapped and he hated her for it.
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man...
He shouldn't have been so relieved when Helen disappeared, but he was. Without her in the picture, he could stop worrying about when she was going to destroy his world. With her gone, he didn't have to wonder when she was going to get so annoyed with him and his trying to put distance between the two of them that she would drop the bombshell about their affair on Cutter's head.
Even when he helped Cutter through the grief of her supposed death by being his friend and his confidant, he couldn't help being glad that she was no longer around to complicate their lives. He knew that this was hurting Cutter, but there was no way that he could bear to tell him what kind of person his wife really was.
He didn't believe for a moment that Helen was really dead -- no matter what the evidence said to them. It made more sense that Helen had gotten bored of her games and her life with both of them and made herself disappear. She had talked enough to him about it when they were alone. She wanted adventure and freedom that she couldn't have here. She wanted more out of life than being a teacher or a professor's wife.
He asked her why she didn't just get a divorce if she was so unhappy.
Her answer chilled him and made him more convinced than ever that he needed to find a way to keep her from using him to hurt Cutter.
"I keep what is mine, Stephen, and Nick is mine."
There was so much coldness in her tone when she said it that Stephen could only stare at her for a long moment. He realized that he was seeing the person she really was and it made him even more ashamed that he had entered into an affair with her. He would do anything he had to do to keep Helen from telling Cutter the truth -- and he would protect him from ever seeing what kind of person his wife really was.
When Helen disappeared, the first thing he felt was relief. Relief that Cutter wouldn't be hurt by Helen further; relief that he wouldn't be the weapon she used to completely break him.
If he started silently taking care of Cutter, well, that was to be expected -- and for more than one reason.
I'm better as a memory than as your man
I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late...
So this was how ten years of friendship and unrequited fantasies was going to end.
Everything he felt for Cutter was going to come to a violent end in a room filled with carnivores who were going to tear him apart.
There were so many things he wanted to say; so many things he wanted to apologize for.
He should have remembered what kind of a person Helen was. If he had remembered sooner, then none of this would have happened. If he had kept the image of Cutter's face when she told him about the two of them a year ago, he wouldn't have been fooled. He wouldn't have believed anything that Helen came to him with. He should have told Nick that he was the only Cutter he had ever been in love with.
There were so many should haves that he would depress himself listing them all in his mind.
No, what mattered right now was that he saved Cutter. He prevented Cutter from sacrificing himself to save everyone. It was the least he could do when he was the one who had been used to hurt and endanger Cutter and his friends.
He couldn't look away from Nick's face pressed up against the window of the locked door and he wished that Nick would leave. However, he knew he wouldn't. After all of this, Nick wouldn't let him face death on his own -- even if Stephen thought that he deserved this for all of the pain that he had helped to cause.
Watching Nick's eyes -- so bright with emotion -- Stephen could imagine that there was more to Nick's feelings for him than he had ever said. Keeping his eyes focused on Nick's gave him the courage to stand still and let what would happen ... happen.
He was so focused on Nick and wishing he had told him just one time how he felt, that he didn't feel the killing blow from the cat.
Nick's face was the last thing he saw as everything went dark and quiet around him.
Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand...
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man...
Author:
not_from_starsRating: PG-13.
Word Count: 1,817 without the song lyrics.
Character(s): Stephen Hart
Challenge: The Song!fic challenge at
primeval_vsxSummary: It wasn’t that he didn’t try to make the relationships he was in work out. He did try and he was sincere about wanting to be with whoever he was in a serious relationship with.
Author's Note: This became more bittersweet and angsty than I expected it to. Also, I have to say that writing one scene of this on Written? Kitten! was just a little bit wrong!
Song: Better As A Memory - Kenny Chesney
I move on like a sinners prayer
And letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song...
His track record with relationships of any kind beyond family had never gone very well. With the exception of his sister who was several years younger than him, the person he was closest to was his college professor. However, that relationship didn’t happen until he was actually in college and was in the class.
Before that, though, relationships were never something he was particularly good at. It wasn’t that he didn’t try to make the relationships he was in work out. He did try and he was sincere about wanting to be with whoever he was in a serious relationship with. The thing was, they just never worked out – whether he wasn’t what the person in question thought he was or because he lost interest in being on some kind of display.
His track record with relationships didn’t keep him from trying to make a long term relationship happen with someone. It just seemed that no matter what he did, a long term and serious relationship wasn’t destined to happen for him. He drifted from one source of companionship to the next and convinced himself that he wanted no ties to anyone. He didn't have a serious girlfriend or boyfriend because he wasn't mentally wired to work that way. He'd give the person he was with a very good memory and then he would move on to the next stage of his life and pick up the next person in a long line of meaningless nights or days.
He had almost convinced himself that it was the truth by the time he reached college. He wasn't a member of any of the fraternities or social groups on campus, but you wouldn't have been able to tell that from the way he drifted from hook-up to hook-up and never thought twice about the way his life was going. He studied and got good grades and the only one that dared to ask about his social life was his baby sister. If she was talking to him about his, then he didn't have to get protective of her or threaten anyone that might be thinking of making his sister their next conquest.
While he might not have been completely happy, he was at least content and had accepted that this was just the way his social life was going to go.
Then he met Nick Cutter and several things about his life and they way he thought about things started to change.
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man ...
Stephen didn't know what it was about Cutter that changed all of his preconceived perceptions about meaningful relationships and he really didn't know why he was thinking of the older man in a less than scholastic way. He didn't know what it was, but he did know that the ginger haired professor began to figure into more than one of his fantasies when he was alone -- and even when he was not so alone.
He had never been the type to pretend that someone he was with was actually another person, but that became more and more of a habit. He couldn't get the thoughts of Cutter out of his head and he wasn't sure that he would be happy if he did. What he was sure of was that he wanted Cutter in a way he had never wanted anyone else.
He wanted Cutter both above him and beneath him. He wanted to be on his knees in front of him and he wanted to hear his cries of pleasure as he used his mouth and hands to drive him crazy. He wanted to feel his hands tangling in his hair as he came. He wanted Cutter to pull him and press him against a wall, letting him just what he could do with that mouth that he couldn't get enough of staring at during class. He wanted to feel those callused hands on his back and his ass. He wanted to feel Cutter holding onto him like he was the only person that mattered in his world as he plundered his mouth with that tongue that he couldn't stop fantasizing about.
And if Cutter was less experienced in those kind of things that Stephen imagined him to be, well, he had been around and he could teach his professor a thing or two. It would definitely be a nice learning experience for the both of them.
And pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words...
When he discovered that Cutter was married, it should have stopped the fantasies. It should have stopped him from wanting Cutter so bad that he could almost taste him on his tongue. It didn't though. If anything, the fantasies and thoughts he was having about Cutter became much more intense. The hint of the forbidden made Stephen's mind and imagination go a bit further than he had ever gone before.
He certainly didn't expect what happened between him and Cutter's wife.
He couldn't quite remember how the two of them ended up in bed, but they did. And even though Helen was more experienced than he was and quite masterful about getting his body to react to her, he wasn't satisfied in his mind and spirit. There was something missing between them, something that he needed.
This was also the first time he felt ashamed of being with someone.
It wasn't just the fact that he was cheating on Cutter with his wife. It was the way he was thinking about all of this, and he knew there was something wrong with him.
He was shagging Cutter's wife and wishing he was with Cutter, instead.
Helen didn't make him think that any less. She was knowledgeable and good at what she did to his body, but she always held herself back. It was like she was enjoying her mastery over him, but was unwilling to give anything of herself beyond her body.
He tried to end things with Helen. He didn't want to keep going behind Cutter's back and risking hurting the one person in all of this that he cared the world about.
But Helen was unwilling to let him go. It wasn't that she cared about him, and he knew that as soon as the conversation happened. She loved that she had him in her control -- and she held it over his head that if Cutter found out about them, it would destroy him.
And so he was well and truly trapped and he hated her for it.
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man...
He shouldn't have been so relieved when Helen disappeared, but he was. Without her in the picture, he could stop worrying about when she was going to destroy his world. With her gone, he didn't have to wonder when she was going to get so annoyed with him and his trying to put distance between the two of them that she would drop the bombshell about their affair on Cutter's head.
Even when he helped Cutter through the grief of her supposed death by being his friend and his confidant, he couldn't help being glad that she was no longer around to complicate their lives. He knew that this was hurting Cutter, but there was no way that he could bear to tell him what kind of person his wife really was.
He didn't believe for a moment that Helen was really dead -- no matter what the evidence said to them. It made more sense that Helen had gotten bored of her games and her life with both of them and made herself disappear. She had talked enough to him about it when they were alone. She wanted adventure and freedom that she couldn't have here. She wanted more out of life than being a teacher or a professor's wife.
He asked her why she didn't just get a divorce if she was so unhappy.
Her answer chilled him and made him more convinced than ever that he needed to find a way to keep her from using him to hurt Cutter.
"I keep what is mine, Stephen, and Nick is mine."
There was so much coldness in her tone when she said it that Stephen could only stare at her for a long moment. He realized that he was seeing the person she really was and it made him even more ashamed that he had entered into an affair with her. He would do anything he had to do to keep Helen from telling Cutter the truth -- and he would protect him from ever seeing what kind of person his wife really was.
When Helen disappeared, the first thing he felt was relief. Relief that Cutter wouldn't be hurt by Helen further; relief that he wouldn't be the weapon she used to completely break him.
If he started silently taking care of Cutter, well, that was to be expected -- and for more than one reason.
I'm better as a memory than as your man
I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late...
So this was how ten years of friendship and unrequited fantasies was going to end.
Everything he felt for Cutter was going to come to a violent end in a room filled with carnivores who were going to tear him apart.
There were so many things he wanted to say; so many things he wanted to apologize for.
He should have remembered what kind of a person Helen was. If he had remembered sooner, then none of this would have happened. If he had kept the image of Cutter's face when she told him about the two of them a year ago, he wouldn't have been fooled. He wouldn't have believed anything that Helen came to him with. He should have told Nick that he was the only Cutter he had ever been in love with.
There were so many should haves that he would depress himself listing them all in his mind.
No, what mattered right now was that he saved Cutter. He prevented Cutter from sacrificing himself to save everyone. It was the least he could do when he was the one who had been used to hurt and endanger Cutter and his friends.
He couldn't look away from Nick's face pressed up against the window of the locked door and he wished that Nick would leave. However, he knew he wouldn't. After all of this, Nick wouldn't let him face death on his own -- even if Stephen thought that he deserved this for all of the pain that he had helped to cause.
Watching Nick's eyes -- so bright with emotion -- Stephen could imagine that there was more to Nick's feelings for him than he had ever said. Keeping his eyes focused on Nick's gave him the courage to stand still and let what would happen ... happen.
He was so focused on Nick and wishing he had told him just one time how he felt, that he didn't feel the killing blow from the cat.
Nick's face was the last thing he saw as everything went dark and quiet around him.
Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand...
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man...
