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deeperwondermentTitle: Remnants
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
not_from_stars
Fandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Abby Maitland
Rating/Category: PG-13
Summary: Abby can't sleep... and she's not sure where she belongs any longer.
Words: 1800
Notes: So,enochiansigils enabled me into writing a companion piece to her story Aftermath that would explain where Abby was and why Connor was alone. This is angst, angst and more angst
Abby couldn't sleep.
Her mind wouldn't shut off and if she didn't do something she was going to break down and start sobbing for all she was worth. But, she couldn't do that.
She looked over to where Connor seemed to finally be sleeping peacefully and she knew she couldn't be selfish like that and wake him up. He needed his rest and the last thing she wanted to do is worry him. If he saw her right now, he would be concerned and that wasn't fair. She'd promised herself that she'd always look out for him, and letting him see her looking so broken wasn't part of that deal.
She quietly got out of bed and quickly got dressed. One thing a year in the Cretaceous had taught her was to move without making a sound. Before she headed out of the flat, she quickly penned Connor a note. She didn't want him to worry.
Con,
I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you up. I'll be back in a bit. I need
to go check on Jack. He'll probably have all kinds of questions, yah?
I love you and I won't stay away long.
Love,
Abby
Placing the note where he would be sure to see it, Abby grabbed her coat and her knife and went out.
She hadn't been sure where she was going when she left the flat, because she still didn't handle wide open spaces very well, but she shouldn't have been surprised when she found herself at Stephen's grave. Cutter was next to him and she knew that Sarah was also buried here. She didn't plan on coming here, but when she realized she was standing at the graves of two of the most important men in her and Connor's life, she felt something break in her all over again.
She sat down on the ground, and shook her head as she stared at the headstones for a long moment. She hated headstones. They never said enough about the people that were buried beneath them. A few lines of text on a stone didn't tell you what kind of person they were or what their lives had been like. They didn't tell you what they had been through. She sat there in silence for a very long time, alone with her thoughts. She'd been sitting there for more than an hour before she started talking.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around in awhile. Connor and I got ourselves into some trouble." Abby sighed, and scrubbed her hand over her face. "Helen Cutter caused us some hassles, and I'm sorry Professor, but I hope Danny killed her. See, she decided that she was going to go into the past and kill the first humans so she could wipe all of us out. Looks like she failed at that, because still here. We followed her through an anomaly and got attacked by Velociraptors. Connor was hurt and I couldn't leave him, so Danny went on ahead. But, our anomaly closed and we got ourselves stuck in the Cretaceous for awhile. "
Abby let out a breath, but it turned into a choked sob. She swallowed, forcing it back. "Okay, more than awhile. We were stuck there for about a year or more. Danny continued to chase after Helen, so I know he had no way of knowing that our anomaly home had closed. It was hard for that year, but Connor and I survived. You guys would hardly recognize him now. He's tough and bad ass. I look at him and I'm so amazed that he loves me. That year could have been worse, except that we had each other and we took care of each other. We loved each other and we realized we couldn't do it without holding on to each other. And now that we're back where we're supposed to be, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't fit here any more and I'm afraid that Connor will see how broken and scared I am inside. I know he loves me because I'm strong and he likes being able to watch my back. But I'm afraid that when he sees how broken and scared I am, and how many more choices he has around him now, that he's going to start to realize that maybe I'm not the one he still wants. We had each other and that got me through more than he ever knew. I started giving up, Professor. If that anomaly hadn't opened when it did..."
Abby felt the tears running down her cheeks and she scrubbed them away. She was trying to hold it together. "I'm not adapting well to being back yet, guys. When Connor sleeps, I keep thinking I have to be on watch so that he's safe. I know that he does the same thing with me. I'll always want to watch his back. He's my world. I know that sounds daft, but he is. I love him with everything that I am." She swallowed hard. "What I am now, it's not quite whole. It's like I'm only remnants of what my life was and what I used to before all of this happened. I think it has been only because of Connor that I have so many of the pieces of me that I do."
Abby sighed, remembering the men she was talking to. No, they weren't here, but she could feel their presence all around her right now.
"I'm sorry, Stephen. I loved you very much and when you were killed, I was gutted. He's not like you, and that's okay. Although, after a year in the Cretaceous, he's changed. Sometimes he's the happy goofy science guy he was when we all met, but then something will cause him to snap to attention and he goes into guard mode. There's a lot for us to deal with and for us to get used to again. But I keeping thinking that as long as I have Connor, it'll be okay. I love him so much more than I can put into words and he's my other half. He just gets me. If anything happens to him, it would kill me. I'm afraid of so many things and on guard about so many others. But it I were to lose Connor, it'd destroy me."
Abby looked up to the sky to blink away the tears she was trying to keep hidden. She sat there in silence for a very long time. Long enough that the ground became colder and she had to stand up. "I'll try to visit you more often now that we're back. There are so many things to tell you -- and I'm sure you'd like to hear from Connor. We miss you. We miss you guys so much."
Abby turned and walked away from their graves. It was getting lighter as dawn approached, but there was still at least an hour of darkness. She managed to find the grave she was looking for and this time, she dropped down on her knees in front of it. She reached out to trace the letters on the stone and felt tears sliding down her face. So many tears that she could no longer hide or keep under control. Out here, there was no one to see her and no one to pull her back from the edge she was on.
"Sarah," she whispered. "Oh Sarah, I'm sorry."
Abby shook her head, and swallowed, trying to fight the tears back for now and talk to the woman who had been a close friend to her. She hadn't had many of those that were girls. Jenny had left and Sarah...
Sarah had died. Sarah had died looking for them. The pain of that was rising up to choke her.
"I should have been there with you, I should have been there to help. You shouldn't have taken your chances and gone to the future. I should have..." Abby couldn't hold the pain in any longer right now. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. You didn't deserve this, you were too good for any of this. If it wasn't for Helen and for the anomaly trapping us back there, you never would have been going through them trying to find us and get us home."
Abby leaned her head against the headstone of her friend and tried very hard to swallow back the sobs that were fighting to break out of her. As painful as Stephen's and Cutter's deaths had been too her, Sarah's was the worst one of all. She had been close by when Stephen and then Cutter died. But when Sarah died, she had been too far away to have been any help.
All because Sarah was trying to find them and bring them back home.
She felt the tears sliding down her face, but she was just too tired to keep trying to wipe them away. So many nightmares and so many losses was hard to deal with all at once and her coping skills seemed to only come into play when she or Connor were in danger. When she stopped rubbing at her cheeks, the harsher sobs started, the one that felt like they were tearing out pieces of her heart as the exited her body.
These were the kinds of sobs that she had always been careful to keep buried down so deep inside her so that Connor wouldn't see and become worried about her. She knew that if she started crying he'd worry and she didn't want to do that to him. There were too many other problems in where they were without her having to add her being a crying mess to the list.
But now, now there was no one to hear her but the friend who had been buried here way too soon. She tried to put her fists over her mouth to muffle them, but it didn't quiet them completely. She felt her body shaking from the sobs that she was fighting to keep inside her. She was afraid that if she let them all out, she would shatter and there really would be only shards of her left. She could do this, she knew she could. She knew she could get them under control and then she cold take deep breaths and calm herself. She could get it buried back to where only a tear or two slid down her cheek.
She could do this. She could get herself back under control and it would be just like when they were back in the Cretaceous and she had to be strong for Connor.
"Oh, Sarah, my friend," she whispered as she managed to start burying her hysteria again. "I miss you so much."
Author:
not_from_starsFandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Abby Maitland
Rating/Category: PG-13
Summary: Abby can't sleep... and she's not sure where she belongs any longer.
Words: 1800
Notes: So,
enochiansigils enabled me into writing a companion piece to her story Aftermath that would explain where Abby was and why Connor was alone. This is angst, angst and more angstAbby couldn't sleep.
Her mind wouldn't shut off and if she didn't do something she was going to break down and start sobbing for all she was worth. But, she couldn't do that.
She looked over to where Connor seemed to finally be sleeping peacefully and she knew she couldn't be selfish like that and wake him up. He needed his rest and the last thing she wanted to do is worry him. If he saw her right now, he would be concerned and that wasn't fair. She'd promised herself that she'd always look out for him, and letting him see her looking so broken wasn't part of that deal.
She quietly got out of bed and quickly got dressed. One thing a year in the Cretaceous had taught her was to move without making a sound. Before she headed out of the flat, she quickly penned Connor a note. She didn't want him to worry.
Con,
I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you up. I'll be back in a bit. I need
to go check on Jack. He'll probably have all kinds of questions, yah?
I love you and I won't stay away long.
Love,
Abby
Placing the note where he would be sure to see it, Abby grabbed her coat and her knife and went out.
She hadn't been sure where she was going when she left the flat, because she still didn't handle wide open spaces very well, but she shouldn't have been surprised when she found herself at Stephen's grave. Cutter was next to him and she knew that Sarah was also buried here. She didn't plan on coming here, but when she realized she was standing at the graves of two of the most important men in her and Connor's life, she felt something break in her all over again.
She sat down on the ground, and shook her head as she stared at the headstones for a long moment. She hated headstones. They never said enough about the people that were buried beneath them. A few lines of text on a stone didn't tell you what kind of person they were or what their lives had been like. They didn't tell you what they had been through. She sat there in silence for a very long time, alone with her thoughts. She'd been sitting there for more than an hour before she started talking.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around in awhile. Connor and I got ourselves into some trouble." Abby sighed, and scrubbed her hand over her face. "Helen Cutter caused us some hassles, and I'm sorry Professor, but I hope Danny killed her. See, she decided that she was going to go into the past and kill the first humans so she could wipe all of us out. Looks like she failed at that, because still here. We followed her through an anomaly and got attacked by Velociraptors. Connor was hurt and I couldn't leave him, so Danny went on ahead. But, our anomaly closed and we got ourselves stuck in the Cretaceous for awhile. "
Abby let out a breath, but it turned into a choked sob. She swallowed, forcing it back. "Okay, more than awhile. We were stuck there for about a year or more. Danny continued to chase after Helen, so I know he had no way of knowing that our anomaly home had closed. It was hard for that year, but Connor and I survived. You guys would hardly recognize him now. He's tough and bad ass. I look at him and I'm so amazed that he loves me. That year could have been worse, except that we had each other and we took care of each other. We loved each other and we realized we couldn't do it without holding on to each other. And now that we're back where we're supposed to be, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't fit here any more and I'm afraid that Connor will see how broken and scared I am inside. I know he loves me because I'm strong and he likes being able to watch my back. But I'm afraid that when he sees how broken and scared I am, and how many more choices he has around him now, that he's going to start to realize that maybe I'm not the one he still wants. We had each other and that got me through more than he ever knew. I started giving up, Professor. If that anomaly hadn't opened when it did..."
Abby felt the tears running down her cheeks and she scrubbed them away. She was trying to hold it together. "I'm not adapting well to being back yet, guys. When Connor sleeps, I keep thinking I have to be on watch so that he's safe. I know that he does the same thing with me. I'll always want to watch his back. He's my world. I know that sounds daft, but he is. I love him with everything that I am." She swallowed hard. "What I am now, it's not quite whole. It's like I'm only remnants of what my life was and what I used to before all of this happened. I think it has been only because of Connor that I have so many of the pieces of me that I do."
Abby sighed, remembering the men she was talking to. No, they weren't here, but she could feel their presence all around her right now.
"I'm sorry, Stephen. I loved you very much and when you were killed, I was gutted. He's not like you, and that's okay. Although, after a year in the Cretaceous, he's changed. Sometimes he's the happy goofy science guy he was when we all met, but then something will cause him to snap to attention and he goes into guard mode. There's a lot for us to deal with and for us to get used to again. But I keeping thinking that as long as I have Connor, it'll be okay. I love him so much more than I can put into words and he's my other half. He just gets me. If anything happens to him, it would kill me. I'm afraid of so many things and on guard about so many others. But it I were to lose Connor, it'd destroy me."
Abby looked up to the sky to blink away the tears she was trying to keep hidden. She sat there in silence for a very long time. Long enough that the ground became colder and she had to stand up. "I'll try to visit you more often now that we're back. There are so many things to tell you -- and I'm sure you'd like to hear from Connor. We miss you. We miss you guys so much."
Abby turned and walked away from their graves. It was getting lighter as dawn approached, but there was still at least an hour of darkness. She managed to find the grave she was looking for and this time, she dropped down on her knees in front of it. She reached out to trace the letters on the stone and felt tears sliding down her face. So many tears that she could no longer hide or keep under control. Out here, there was no one to see her and no one to pull her back from the edge she was on.
"Sarah," she whispered. "Oh Sarah, I'm sorry."
Abby shook her head, and swallowed, trying to fight the tears back for now and talk to the woman who had been a close friend to her. She hadn't had many of those that were girls. Jenny had left and Sarah...
Sarah had died. Sarah had died looking for them. The pain of that was rising up to choke her.
"I should have been there with you, I should have been there to help. You shouldn't have taken your chances and gone to the future. I should have..." Abby couldn't hold the pain in any longer right now. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. You didn't deserve this, you were too good for any of this. If it wasn't for Helen and for the anomaly trapping us back there, you never would have been going through them trying to find us and get us home."
Abby leaned her head against the headstone of her friend and tried very hard to swallow back the sobs that were fighting to break out of her. As painful as Stephen's and Cutter's deaths had been too her, Sarah's was the worst one of all. She had been close by when Stephen and then Cutter died. But when Sarah died, she had been too far away to have been any help.
All because Sarah was trying to find them and bring them back home.
She felt the tears sliding down her face, but she was just too tired to keep trying to wipe them away. So many nightmares and so many losses was hard to deal with all at once and her coping skills seemed to only come into play when she or Connor were in danger. When she stopped rubbing at her cheeks, the harsher sobs started, the one that felt like they were tearing out pieces of her heart as the exited her body.
These were the kinds of sobs that she had always been careful to keep buried down so deep inside her so that Connor wouldn't see and become worried about her. She knew that if she started crying he'd worry and she didn't want to do that to him. There were too many other problems in where they were without her having to add her being a crying mess to the list.
But now, now there was no one to hear her but the friend who had been buried here way too soon. She tried to put her fists over her mouth to muffle them, but it didn't quiet them completely. She felt her body shaking from the sobs that she was fighting to keep inside her. She was afraid that if she let them all out, she would shatter and there really would be only shards of her left. She could do this, she knew she could. She knew she could get them under control and then she cold take deep breaths and calm herself. She could get it buried back to where only a tear or two slid down her cheek.
She could do this. She could get herself back under control and it would be just like when they were back in the Cretaceous and she had to be strong for Connor.
"Oh, Sarah, my friend," she whispered as she managed to start burying her hysteria again. "I miss you so much."
