Hands Of Fate -- 1/2

[deeperwonderment]

Title: Hands Of Fate
Author: sehkmetenkare
Fandom: Charmed (Canon and Fanon)
Characters: Phoebe, Clay, Belthazor/Cole
Word Count: 15,300
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After running away to New York, Phoebe Halliwell gets into some trouble, but she has someone watching over her.
Author's Notes: This was written as a holiday fic for kajivar and timjr who said they wanted to see Cole deal with Clay from the episode "Feats of Clay". It's not exactly what I expected to come of it, but here it is.





New York was not exactly everything she had expected it to be. Currently, she was sitting in Central Park and pretending to study. She had been in New York for a year and it still hurt so much being away from everyone from Fandom and from California. She still felt like she really had had no choice but to leave after everything that had happened, but it still didn't make it hurt any less. Losing Grams on top of losing Cole had just been too much for her to deal with. Prue's reaction to her being upset about Cole, as well as what the creep Roger had done, had just made her feel like she had no place at the Manor any longer. So, she had packed a bag, and boarded a plane and left San Francisco far behind her.

At first, she had been trying to find her father, as the last letter she had from him had come from New York City. Unfortunately, she hadn't been able to track him down in the entire year that she had been in the city. She had finally given up and tried to start a new life for herself in New York -- far away from the pain of Fandom Island and of California. She sent a letter to the last address she had for him, giving him her current whereabouts, and then had done her best to move on.

It hadn't been as easy as she had hoped that it would be.

The pain had been very strong and almost debilitating for quite awhile. Losing Cole, then Grams... and then having her sister turn on her had been almost more than she could handle. She had lost touch with her friends at Fandom -- including Lana and Cally, and Aziraphale and James. Though, she suspected her adopted big brothers knew exactly where she was and were just waiting for her to send out some sort of message that she needed them or that she wanted to talk to them again. She hadn't intentionally lost contact with her friends and family back in Fandom, it was just that after everything that had happened with Cole, she sort of let herself be buried and isolated because of the pain she was feeling about all of it. Even though she had many fond memories of Fandom Island and Fandom High, the events after graduation had left her feeling so incredibly raw that she had let herself drift away and lose touch with all of the people there that she did care about. The pain had pretty much been all-encompassing for a long while and when she started coming out of the fog, she had already disappeared into New York City.

Phoebe sighed and looked back down at what she was writing and realized that she hadn't written anything that could be remotely connected to her studies. Instead, she had written one name over and over again. Shaking her head in frustration, she flipped a few pages and then stared at her notebook again. It shouldn't still be this hard, should it? It had been more than a year and she had dealt with everything she felt and moved on.

Hadn't she?

She wrote out some notes for class in her notebook... and then her mind drifted away from her studies again.

Cole.

She had never expected for things to end the way that they had ended, but that was just one of a few surprises that had happened after graduation. When they had parted the way they had, she supposed she had been in a slight bit of shock for awhile. After all, they had been soul mates and had been through hell and back for two years. Apparently, their love and the trials they had overcome for those two years just hadn't been enough when it was all said and done.

Being who they were had finally served to force them apart. The events after graduation had just cemented all of their differences and they had been torn apart for the final time. They were now on different sides in a war that both of them had no choice but to fight in. Prophecies and destinies really had risen up to bite them in the soul and destroy everything they had built together between them.

I wonder what he's doing now. She found herself thinking as she pretended to study. Does he ever think of me? Does he even miss me? Or am I just one more witch that he came across? Am I the one witch that faced him and lived to tell the tale? Am I the one witch that escaped being destroyed by Belthazor when they turned him back to the fold?

She frowned angrily. Until what had happened, she had never -- ever -- referred to him by the name of his demon half. Everyone else had, but he had always been Cole to her. Cole. Not Belthazor. Apparently, that had changed a little bit after they parted ways... after the fog of pain had lifted. Cole had been the man she had loved so deeply and so intensely. Belthazor had been the demon that had hurt her and destroyed some of the faith she had in things. Belthazor had been the demon that had left her alone to fight for her life against one of his Brotherhood. Cole never would have left her to die like that.

Phoebe looked down at the jagged scar that still stood out so angrily on the back of her left hand. It was a dark and painful reminder of everything that had happened that day -- and of the upper level demons she had found herself facing off with to save her life and everything that she was. She could have probably lost the use of her hand from the wound, but Paige had been able to heal most of the damage after James had checked it out completely. James had reset the bones that he could reset, but Paige been needed to heal the smaller bones so she could regain movement in her hand. Though her sister had been able to heal her and reverse what damage had occured, the scar stayed a dark colour and her hand would sometimes ache if the weather got too cold or if she used it too much. She wondered if Paige would think that going to four martial arts classes a week would count as over-using it?

Then again, she wondered if Paige was still as upset as she had been at her for leaving? Had her sister forgiven her yet for walking out the door and out of their lives?

Phoebe rubbed the scar a little and then closed her notebook with a snap. This just wasn't working. For some reason, every time she tried to study for this class, she ended up thinking about the past. She had taken "The Philosophy of Metaphysical Beliefs in Society" because she had honestly wanted to know what the instructor believed in or thought about such things. However, every time she started studying the reading, she either wanted to laugh or she thought about Fandom... and Cole.

It wasn't like she didn't think about him enough as it was. Just this class had made her start thinking about him more and more and she wondered what her teacher would make of Fandom or some of the events that had happened there?

She growled and slammed the textbook shut and dropped it on top of her notebook. Studying just wasn't going to end up happening here today, not while she couldn't keep her mind out of the past. She pulled out her messenger bag and slid her class materials back into it. She didn't know what was going on with her lately, but she had to snap out of this. She had to stop doing this to herself and get her focus back. She was determined to prove that she could make it on her own, and failing out of her first year of college wouldn't prove that in any way, shape or form.

She sighed again and stood up. It was about time to head back to her apartment. Maybe she could get some studying done before Clay showed up tonight.

Clay.

Now that was interesting addition to her life as of late. Danger Boy Clay had come into her life and decided to stay a few months ago. They hadn't been dating very long, but Phoebe was already seeing the seriousness in his eyes and she wasn't sure she was ready for that right now. First of all, she still was trying to deal with everything that had happened at Fandom and with Cole. Second of all, Clay was a danger magnet. He took more risks than she was comfortable with and she knew that one day he was going to get himself hurt -- if not her as well. She could see it in his eyes that he never thought too much about the risks he was taking.

She had lived that life once and she wasn't sure if she was ready -- or willing -- to live that kind of life with someone again.

Losing your heart to the bad boy and living the dangerous life only served to cause you pain in the long run. She had learned that lesson all too well.



Phoebe let herself into her apartment and dropped her bag with her school work down onto her desk. She went back to the door and locked it, making sure that everything was secure. She didn't have aggressive powers like her sisters and the only weapons she had were a few knives and her own body. She really didn't like guns, and thus, didn't have one of her own -- which everyone seemed to think odd here in the city. So, to make sure that anyone trying to break in really had a difficult time getting into her place, she always locked all four locks on the door.

After leaving home, she had gotten extremely serious about keeping herself safe and in one piece. Even though she knew that if she was in trouble, Paige would bring Piper and they would help her, she didn't think she could face her sisters right now. If they had believed Roger like Prue had... that would just be too much for her to deal with right now. Better she just didn't have any contact with them and then they wouldn't feel like she was putting them in the middle.

After locking her main door, Phoebe headed into her bedroom and stretched out on her bed. She was feeling really tired and figured a nap might be a good thing. Maybe if she got some rest, she'd be able to focus more on her school work. She didn't have work tonight, so she wasn't on a schedule. She also didn't know when Clay was coming over she figured he'd call before he came over since he knew that she hated anyone coming by unannounced.

Paranoid much, Phoebe?

She had only fought three demons in the entire time that she had been in New York. However, that didn't make her act any less cautious. Just because she had only seen three, it didn't mean that there weren't more around that knew where she was -- or even who she was. She was alone, and she wasn't going to take any unnecessary chances with her safety or with her life. After Grams had had the heart attack and they lost her, that was the one promise she had made to Grams -- and to Piper before she had left San Francisco. It was the one thing she had promised her sister, not to risk her life without a very good reason. She was determined to keep that promise.

Of course, running away to be alone in New York probably wasn't the best way to keep that promise.

Phoebe curled up on her side -- after slipping a dagger under her pillow -- and closed her eyes. She was more tired than she had thought, as she was soon deeply asleep.



"Are you sure about this, Phoebe?"

Phoebe nodded, her face filled with anxiety. "It's what I saw in my vision. If we don't get there in time to stop him, Cole is going to kill that witch."

"What's going on, Phoebe? I thought Cole was a good guy, now?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. I have no idea what's going on, Prue. I just know something is wrong and someone is going to die if we don't stop him."

Prue turned another corner, and Phoebe jumped out of the Jeep before it came to a stop. Ignoring the yells of her sisters to wait, Phoebe tore across the field and into the woods where she had seen the ritual taking place. Phoebe burst through the trees and then screamed in horror as she saw the fireball incinerate the witch she had come to save. She turned to see Cole standing there in his demon form and before she could stop herself, her knife found it's way into her hand and she threw it at him. His eyes widened in surprise as the dagger embedded itself in his shoulder. He started towards her.

"Phoebe..."

"No!" She screamed at him, holding a hand up. "You stay the hell away from me." Her voice was shaking as she faced off with him.

He took another step. "Phoebe, listen to me..."

Phoebe shook her head, tears in her eyes as she backed away from him. "You murdered an innocent. You killed a witch, Cole. There is no listening to you... not now."

"What about us, what we have?"

Phoebe gave a choked laugh. "There is no us. Not any longer. There can't be." Her voice was full of pain as she said those words to him.

Piper and Prue burst through the trees, fearing the worst after they had heard her scream. "Phoebe!" Prue called out.

They found her facing off against Belthazor, and he had Phoebe's knife deep in his shoulder.

Piper took Phoebe's arm. "What happened?"

She didn't look away from Cole. "He killed her. He killed our innocent... our witch."



Phoebe whimpered softly in her sleep, turning over on her side. She buried herself under the covers and then seemed to relax again.


The attack hadn't exactly been unexpected, but she hadn't thought it would come so soon, nor that it would happen at Fandom. They cornered her on the beach and she had started running in one of two open directions that she had access to.

When she realized where she was running to, she tried to change directions, but they were almost upon her. She was not going back in that cave. She wasn't.

Phoebe turned and she stood her ground, ready to fight the four of them until help could get to her. She knew help would come... knew someone must have heard her scream. She just hoped that they would reach her in time.

"I still don't know what Belthazor saw in her for so long," one of the demons said as he advanced on her. "She doesn't look like much and she's so tiny, too. Not really a fight at all."

Phoebe waited until the demon was closer enough, and then she did a jump kick and nailed him in the face with her foot. When he stumbled back, Phoebe got into a defensive stance, ducking a blow from one of the others. She wasn't about to go down without a fight. She had learned how to do that much in her time here at Fandom.

"Why can't we take her back with us?" one of the others demanded. He leered at her. "She'd be a great deal of fun for me to break."

Phoebe shuddered at the idea, but the leader shook his head.

"We have our orders. Belthazor and the Source want her dead."

That single sentence threw her so much that she almost didn't see when the second demon leapt at her with his athame raised for a killing blow. She swung her hand, guarding her face, and the knife went through the back of her hand. She screamed as it tore through the back of her hand and dropped to the sand, rolling out of the way, tearing her hand off of the blade.

Dead. Cole wanted her dead. He wanted them to kill her. He hated her that much. The Underworld had him completely again.

The shock that she was feeling was starting to interfere in her ability to fight back and she was struggling to breathe past the pain -- both emotional and physical from where the knife had torn up her hand.

The knife had rendered that hand useless. Phoebe could tell that he had not only sliced it through in a deep manner, but it also felt mangled, like something had been broken in the attack. She was badly hurt and in trouble.

Dead. He had ordered her death. They really were enemies now.

The demon that seemed to be the leader rushed at Phoebe as she tried to stand up and he knocked her back down, causing the two of them to tumble down a short incline. Phoebe cried out in pain and tried to kick up and dislodge the demon off of her. From off to the side, she heard a short explosion and a voice yelling for them to get away from her. The demon on top of her went to claw her throat, and Phoebe screamed again, jerking her head to the side so that his claws dug deeply into her shoulder instead. He went to attack her face, but then he suddenly stopped and looked down at his chest in surprise. Phoebe also looked and was slightly confused to see the point of a sword sticking out of his chest. He snarled a threat at her before he burst into flame and disintegrated on top of her.

"I'm sorry we were not quicker, my dear," Aziraphale said as she saw him standing there. He then leaned down to help her up, pulling her gently into a safe embrace. She leaned against him and the safety he represented, and then turned her head slightly when she heard Piper calling her name.

"Phoebe? Oh God, Phoebe!" Piper sounded hysterical. "Phoebe, please answer me, damn it!"

"Here!" she managed to get out past the screams and sobs that she was fighting back in her throat. She was trying not to give into hysterics in front of everyone. Aziraphale was holding her, letting her feel safe and giving her what comfort that he could right now. She could feel the feather he had dropped into her hair during his dispatch of the demon giving her the tiniest semblance of control.

She saw Piper come scrambling over the sand, followed closely by Paige. Piper looked like she had been crying and she grabbed Phoebe and hugged her tightly. She pulled back to look at her face and then shook her head. "I thought we were going to be too late," Piper whispered, holding her closely.

Paige came up to them and ran a shaking hand over Phoebe's hair. She couldn't believe how close they had come to losing her. The idea of losing a sister was one of those things that she just could not deal with. It had been way too damn close this time.

"What happened?" Paige asked her softly. "Why did they choose to attack you here and now?"

Phoebe looked at Aziraphale, and then looked at her sisters. She started to shake her head and then she heard herself speaking from far away.

"Cole sent them."

The words were painful to say and when three faces looked at her with various expressions of shock and alarm, Phoebe felt the shaking and the sobs start and then felt herself falling forward into darkness and someone grabbing her to keep her from hitting the ground. After that there was nothing.


Phoebe jerked up from her pillow with a soft cry and the dagger in her hand ready to defend herself. When she realized she was still safely locked in her apartment, she went to check the locks on her door, and then returned to her room. She checked the window and and then let herself fall back against the bed in exhaustion.

She hadn't dreamt about Cole or the attack in weeks and she couldn't understand why she was having the dreams now. She curled up on her side and struggled not to let herself collapse and cry for a very long while. It really was what she wanted to do more than anything right now. Yet she fought that urge back and didn't give into that desire. Apparently, she hadn't gotten over everything that had happened back in Fandom as much as she thought she had. It had hurt so deeply that Cole had agreed with the Source and sent the demons to kill her. In spite of the previous time they had talked and her throwing the knife into his shoulder, him wanting her dead had never been something she had expected would happen. Yet, when she had seen him again and she had confronted him with what she had heard, he didn't deny it. He had just looked at her and there had been nothing but anger in his eyes. When she asked him, begged him to tell her the demon had been wrong, he hadn't said anything. He hadn't even acted like it had mattered to him at all. She stood there, bleeding, and he hadn't reacted; had ignored her concerns. Her empathy didn't tell her anything about what was going on with him.

She could no longer read him and that cut almost as deeply as the fact that he had ordered her death.

The demon who had been with him had laughed at her and when he attacked her, Cole hadn't done anything to stop him. As she and the other demon fought, Cole just stood there and watched them with no expression. As she finally stood over the dead demon, torn and bleeding, Cole had given her a cocky smile and then had saluted her before he had shimmered out of the area.

Something within her had shattered in that instant.

When she had turned her back on him that night and walked away, her heart had been shattered because she knew then that it was over. Too much had happened for them to stay together or be able to get past this time. The Underworld had their soldier of fortune back, and she would have to deal with it. It was over. She had lost the fight for Cole's soul and the Source had won.

That had been the last time they had seen or spoken to each other. Grams had died from a heart attack a month later; and two weeks after that, she had had that fight with Prue and left San Francisco.

In so many ways, that night in Fandom had signalled the beginning of the end of everything for her.

Phoebe rolled over on her side and found herself looking at the window, whose blinds she could have sworn she had pulled shut before going to bed. She frowned, and got up to close them again. That plus the dreams right now were just entirely too weird for her. She sighed and went to take a shower. Clay would be coming over soon and she didn't want to seem upset or have him think something was wrong with her.



Clay looked at Phoebe over dinner and finally shook his head. "Something's bothering you, Phoebe."

"I'm fine," she said quietly, playing with her fork. "I've just got a lot on my mind. School and stuff."

He reached over and took one of her hands in his. "School doesn't put that kind of sadness in your eyes. You're doing it again... thinking about him."

Phoebe tried tugging her hand away, frowning at him when he wouldn't let go. "I told you before, my thoughts are my own. I don't like people poking at them." She shook her head, looking down at her glass. "And what happened with him is of no consequence to you."

"Whoever he was, Phoebe, he's gone. He hurt you and as far as I'm concerned, he's a non-entity. I'm the one with you now and it's bothersome that you're thinking about him while you're out with me."

"I'm not talking about this with you, Clay," There was a hint of ice in Phoebe's tone. "Let it go and change the conversation."

"You have to talk to someone about it or it's going to eat you up inside."

"Clay..."

"What are you running from, Phoebe?"

Phoebe felt herself pale slightly and then she jerked her hand away from his with a violent movement. She stood up from the table and shook her head angrily, grabbing her coat before turning back to him.

"I told you that I wasn't discussing this with you, Clay," she said with her eyes flashing angrily. "Dating me for a few months doesn't get you automatic access to my thoughts or my past. It's no one's business but my own. Back off mmeans precisely that. It doesn't mean that you should continue pushing at me."

Clay watched her, and noticed the emotion in her eyes. "Phoebe," he whispered softly. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Just take me home."

"Phoebe..."

"Now."



The man at the table in the shadows watched the fight with calculated interest and couldn't help but to notice that the young woman was shaking slightly. When she stood up from the table, he could almost feel the pain from her striking him like a physical blow. He wanted to go over there and escort her away, but that would mean revealing his presence to her. He wasn't ready to do that yet. He wasn't convinced that she wouldn't immediately try to vanquish him -- no matter what he had been told by other sources.

She really was hurting very deeply. He had to force himself not to approach her, no matter how much he wanted to comfort her and shelter her from whatever had just happened to make her that upset.

He frowned and clenched his hands around the wood of the table as he watched the scene play out in front of him. The woman was clearly upset and the man with her didn't seem to be making any points with her tonight. He bared his teeth in a feral manner. Good. He didn't like the looks of the other man and if the small brunette kicked him to the curb, so to speak, it would save him from having to deal with him in his own way. No one really wanted him to do that... well, besides he, himself.

He watched the two leave the restaurant and was amused to see the woman being so stiff with the guy. He was very interested and curious to see what was going to become of this whole thing. It would definitely make his job easier if she got rid of the other guy herself. There would be much less mess and trauma that way. There would be less reason for explanations, too.

He waited for what he deemed was a reasonable time period and then he left the restaurant as well.



The drive back to Phoebe's apartment passed mostly in silence and then when he walked her to her elevator, he got in with her. "Phoebe, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I really care about you and seeing you looking so sad sometimes... it just makes me want to try to make everything better."

"I learned a long time ago that there are sometimes things that no one can ever make better for you, no matter how hard they try."

"That seems a little fatalistic, don't you think?"

Phoebe shook her head. "Not at all. You haven't lived my life, Clay. I'm being very realistic."

"But if you let the people who love you in and let them help you deal or fight or whatever."

Phoebe ducked her head. "The people you love are sometimes the ones that can hurt you the worst of all, Clay." Like your soulmate... your older sister... "I have seen and done things in my life that you cannot even ever begin to imagine. I have reasons for everything I do and say. If I say that I do not want to talk about something, I really don't want to discuss it. You need to respect those boundaries and stop trying to walk through them."

"Don't shut me out, Phoebe. I don't know what has happened in your life, but don't hold me accountable for the sins of people from your past." He sighed. "It's not fair to do to someone new in your life. You cannot blame those that come into your life in the future -- and there present -- for whatever crimes the people in your past committed against you."

Phoebe stepped out of the elevator and headed down the hall. Clay walked at her side. When they got to her door, Phoebe sighed, and then unlocked the door. Once they were inside, Phoebe looked at him steadily for a few long moments.

"Look, a year ago, a lot of shit happened and I was hurt pretty badly by more than one thing. I'm not looking to be rescued or fixed. I don't need to be taken care of. I just want to be allowed to be me and deal with my life in my own way. I don't trust easily and I don't accept being lied to."

Clay nodded. "I'd never lie to you, Phoebe."

"Everyone lies, Clay." She shook her head. "Maybe not intentionally, but even accidentally it would be a bad scene. I just cannot dismiss lies or anything dishonest in a relationship -- friend or otherwise."

"Like I said, I love you, and I'll do this on your terms."

Phoebe didn't visibly flinch when he uttered those three words, but it was only because she had gained a lot of self-control in the last year and she had learned how to wear a mask and hide how she was feeling most of the time.

Clay hugged Phoebe and then kissed the top of her head. "I should go, you have class in the morning."

Phoebe nodded and walked him to the door. She stepped out into the hall with him. "Good night, Clay."

Clay smiled and leaned down to kiss her gently.

Before Phoebe could end the kiss, she heard a sound she hadn't heard in almost a year, and then felt that disorienting sensation that only came when she was having a premonition.

A gun... pointing from Clay to her... dark shadows... fire... pain... blood... explosions... danger... enemies.. guns...pain...fear...shooting...blood...

Phoebe staggered slightly as the premonition ended and Clay caught her.

"Phoebe," he called in alarm.

"I'm okay," she said shakily. "I guess I'm just more tired than I thought."

Clay frowned at her, but didn't question what she was telling him. "Get some rest, then. I'll see you tomorrow at work." He hugged her and watched as she went back inside. When he heard all four locks turn, he walked down the hall and into the elevator.



Once the elevator doors closed and it started it's descent, a man separated himself from the shadows and walked towards Phoebe's door. He was very glad that the annoying interloper wasn't staying the night with her. However, he had seen the pallor of her face after the other man had kissed her and he had seen her stagger. As much as he would like to blame the other man for scaring her, he knew that wasn't quite right.

Premonition.

Phoebe had had a premonition and whatever she had seen had scared her.

He frowned as he stared at her door. There were several choices he had here, but he knew he had to tread carefully. He had been observing her for a few days now and there was one thing that he knew above everything else.

She wasn't whole.

Phoebe was going through the motions of being alive, and she was living, but she was still hurting and fractured inside. Something had happened beyond the events at Fandom and the death of her beloved Grandmother. Something else had happened to turn her into this walking shadow. Whatever events were that had happened, she was still broken from them.

And that other man wasn't helping matters.

He forced himself to shake off the rage and jealousy he felt towards the other man and then reached into is pocket. He pulled out a cellphone and dialed a number from memory.

"Hello? I need to speak to Piper Halliwell, please?" When she picked up the phone, he started speaking. "Miss Halliwell, your sister is in trouble... she's in danger. She needs you and Miss Matthews. She needs the Power of Three." He shook his head. "No. The Source has sent his best assassin after your sister. He hasn't found her yet, but he will. He never fails in what he's after." He cocked his head as he watched the door. "Who am I? A friend." He shook his head again, not able to resist the smile that spread across his face at the suspicion in her tone. "Well, I didn't say that I was a friend of yours."

He hung up the phone and then laid his hand against the door. He uttered one word and the door glowed blue for only a moment before it then faded back to normal. He nodded and then stepped back. He could at least make sure that she slept safely tonight. If anyone tried to get in tonight, he would know it immediately and arrive to take care of the threat. He walked down the hall and then stepped into the shadows. He had work to do.


After Clay left, Phoebe made her way to her room and sat down on her bed. Her hands were shaking and her head was hurting from the premonition she had had when Clay kissed her. It had been several months she had had one, and now with Clay she had one that was enough to scare her.

People were getting shot.

Okay, not just people. In the premonition, there was a gun being held on her. Then someone she cared about had stepped out of the shadows to help her and the gun had pointed at that person. She hadn't been able to make out who the person was, only that she hadn't wanted them to be hurt. When the gun had gone off, she had thrown herself between the bullet and the target.

She shook her head and took a shuddering breath. It would never happen. Just the sight of a gun was usually enough to make her freeze up completely. Being near a gun usually sent her into a state of such emotional whirlwind that she just couldn't function. There was no way she would have the presence of mind to save someone from a bullet.

There was no way she could ever be that self-sacrificing to take a bullet for someone. She just wasn't. Guns scared the hell out of her, so she couldn't see how she would ever make such a sacrifice.

"Grams," she said softly as she hugged a pillow to her. "I really wish you were here so I could ask you what to do."

Of course, if Grams were still there, the entire thing with Roger and Prue never would have happened because Grams would have seen right through the slimy rat. Grams would have told Prue the truth and Phoebe wouldn't have thought she had to run away.

"I miss you so much, Grams and I feel so lost."

She did. Before everything that happened, Grams would have been able to help, and she would have believed in her and helped her to heal from what had happened with Cole. She was positive Grams would have understood. Right now, she needed to believe that. She needed to believe that if Grams were still around, she would have hugged her and let her cry. She would have told Grams everything about the last two years with Cole and everything that had happened at Fandom. Grams would have held her and made her feel better.

Phoebe sighed and walked over to the window. She pulled the shade to the side to look out over the city. The view from her apartment was pretty, but it just made her miss home that much more. No matter how much she tried to make this into her home, New York City just wasn't San Francisco and it never would be. She felt tears fill her eyes as she leaned forward to press her forehead against the glass. How much longer would she feel she didn't belong anywhere? How much longer would she feel so hurt and alone?

How much longer would she be in love with a ghost from the past?

She shook that thought away and let the shade drop back across the window. She needed to move on, to forget about him and get past him and their history together.



He had to fight to keep himself from growling out loud as he perused the documents he was holding. This was really not looking good from his stand point. Part of him was glad that all of this information had been found on this guy. However, part of him ached for Phoebe when she learned the truth. For his own part, he was glad to have found something dirty of this guy who seemed to have attached himself to Phoebe. He was bad news and he was a danger. On the other hand, he knew how much all of this was going to hurt Phoebe and he didn't like that idea. She had been hurt enough -- and to be fair, a lot of it had been by him. If he could turn back time to those events and change them... well, he really would sometimes give almost anything to be able to do that.

It certainly seemed like niether one of them had healed from when all hell had broken loose.

He looked out the window of his penthouse apartment and he sighed.

If only I hadn't lied to her. If only I had been able to tell her the truth of everything that was going on.

But no, he had thought that by hiding it all from her, he was protecting her -- and he wouldn't have to put disappointment into those brown eyes of hers. He never wanted Phoebe to look at him with disappointment or let her down.

But you did end up letting her down, didn't you?

He growled softly, but it was more at himself than anything else.

He hadn't expected Phoebe to show up when she did. He certainly hadn't expected for her to witness him kill. That had been something that he never wanted her to witness. Knowing what he had been, and seeing him kill, well, that was entirely two different things.

He had never expected that Phoebe would ever have to see him kill. He had never planned on ever killing again. He didn't want to be the creature he was before he had fallen in love with her. After freeing his father's soul and killing Raynor, he didn't think he could be trapped in another situation like he had been with Raynor.

He had been wrong.

He had been so very, very wrong.

The Source had no intentions of letting him go free. He liked what the demon in him could do, and, after all, he had managed to kill Elishevera and Raynor. Imagine what else that power and determination could do for him? So, the Source had come to him and had told him what he wanted. It had not been a pleasant conversation. The Source didn't like being told no, and he had decided to use the one bargaining chip that any of the Underworld had left when it came to him.

"Do as I command or I'll kill your pretty little witch... slowly. I'll make sure she feels everything and she knows that you are the one who brought this down on her. She'll die hating you, but she'll die."

To say that he had been shaken by the Source's threat would have been an understatement. Her hatred he would have been able to live with, so long as she had been living to hate him. But, he couldn't risk her life. The Source would kill her and her sisters if he didn't do as he was told. He knew she would fight him on this, tell him they could come up with a better way, but in the long run, he had known that it wouldn't matter. No matter how much they tried, in the end, she would end up dead if he didn't give in.

So, he had agreed and his life had become a hell ever since that moment.

It had been bad enough when she had come across the death of the witch. He should have realized that she would have gotten a premonition about a witch that needed her protection. Of course, she had arrived right as the fireball hit her. Nothing was the way it had looked like, but he couldn't tell her that right then. However, he saw in her eyes that she was upset and she was scared now. She hadn't wanted to talk to him right then, and he didn't suppose he could blame her.

When he had found her later, he had thought that he could tell her everything, explain what had happened that night. However, unexpected complications had risen up to thwart that idea.

First off, one of his brethren had decided to accompany him when he went to meet with her. That had been bad enough. However, Phoebe telling him that she didn't think he had hated her enough to send four demons to kill her had rocked him to his core.

"He said that they were acting on orders from the Source... and from you. I was to be killed because you wanted me dead."

In an instant, he knew what the Source had done and he tried to fight down the rage inside him. Unfortunately, he felt his eyes change for the briefest moment -- and saw by her face that Phoebe had seen it, too.

It was too late, and that was when the other demon with him had attacked Phoebe. He stepped forward, but heard the Source warn him of what would happen to Phoebe if he tried to help her. Every fiber in his being screamed at him to help her, but he wasn't able to. He had faith that Phoebe could win a fight against this demon... but she'd never survive the Source's plans if he got ahold of her.

Finally, the fight was over. The other demon lay dead, and she stood there, torn and bleeding. She was cradling her left hand against her chest, and the bandage he had noticed earlier was soaked red. Red ... with her blood. He had to struggle to push those feelings of possessiveness and defensiveness down deep inside him. It wasn't easy. Someone had dared to hurt what was his. Unfortunately, that someone was the Source.

She had stood there, looking at him as she bled with eyes full of betrayal. What he did next was probably the stupidest thing he had ever done with Phoebe. He smiled at her and gave her a cocky salute before shimmering out. He didn't shimmer far, just far enough away where he could still watch her and make sure she made it back to her car safely --- and where he wouldn't be tempted to scoop her up and tell her everything.

It would mean her death if he did.

He watched her shoulders droop and her head fall. Then he had watched her walk away.

"And that was the end of that," he said as he looked back down at the information in his hand.

Only, that wasn't that. He couldn't stop thinking about her and when her Grams died, it was difficult for him not to go to her and comfort her. He did his best to block the soul link they had and he tried to ignore every time he felt any kind of strong emotion from her. Their relationship was dead and buried like everything else he had ever killed.

Then something happened and Phoebe had disappeared from San Francisco. He couldn't ask Piper what happened because he was pretty sure Piper wanted to kill him for the attack on Phoebe -- and for breaking her heart. So, he had tried others. Lana refused to speak to him at all. She had slammed the door in his face and promised that if he came near her again she would use the vanquishing potion Phoebe had given her.

"You've hurt her more than enough. Just leave her in peace and stay the hell away."

That, from Lana, had been painful. Lana had always been the one that no matter what, believed that he and Phoebe could make it work. However, the hate and the anger in her eyes told him that he would find no sympathy there. She was Phoebe's best friend and would do whatever she could to protect her from more hurt.

He wasn't able to track down Cally or Marie, and he didn't dare try to contact Veronica for information. He was pretty sure that she had the potion too annd would vanquish first and ask questions later. He'd be dead before he could tell her what he was trying to do. None of Phoebe's other friends would talk to him at all. They all told him the same thing Lana had. "Stay away."

But he couldn't stay away.

Drawing up his courage and his stubborness, he went to Aziraphale and James Wilson.

Wilson was understandably angry when he saw him. "I had to put her body back together after both attacks. It's not something that I relish doing." He had glared at the young man that he had once called friend. "She could have died both times, Bel. I'm not fond of having to put my siblet's body back together so she could function again. Just stop. Leave her alone."

Aziraphale had been a little more calmer. "She's alive," was all that he would say.

Three months ago, after giving up on ever seeing her again, he had received a postcard.

She's living in New York City. Cause her any more pain and I will orb your balls to the bottom of the oceans at the North Pole.

That couldn't have been anyone else but Paige. He had no doubt that Paige would find a way to carry out her threat. She and Phoebe had been close friends before they found out they were sisters. After their blood ties were revealed, Paige took an interest in trying to look out for her sisters. She must really hate him for hurting Phoebe as badly as he did -- which is why he couldn't figure out why she would tell him where her sister was hiding.

So, here he was. He had been observing Phoebe for the last month and he wasn't liking everything he was seeing.

Not only had she seemed to shut down everything about herself, the guy she was dating now was nothing but bad news.

The irony of him calling this Clay guy bad news was not lost on him. However, from the notes in his hands, several of Clay's last girlfriends had either disappeared completely or died suddenly.

"The next missing woman won't be Phoebe. I'll see you dead first." His voice in the empty room echoed back at him harshly. "I guarantee she will not become your latest victim, you bastard."




Phoebe had a lot on her mind as she walked along the lake with Clay. She still wasn't understanding why she was having the dreams again, and she still really wasn't liking all of the risks that Clay seemed to enjoy taking with his safety and his life. It had been two weeks sinvce she had had the premonition and so far nothing had happened. Of course, that didn't mean that it wouldn't. Her premonitions operated on their own time schedule and she never knew how soon a scene from a premonition would happen. She only knew that it would happen at some point. It always did and she had yet to distinguish a pattern to how her premonitions worked. Sometimes the scenes she saw happened right away, within hours or minutes, and some times it took days or weeks for that scene to come into play. Such was the nature of her powers. She had managed to teach herself how to shut out her empathy except for the more intense emotions people felt. She couldn't shut out her premonitions, no matter how hard she tried to do so. And she had definitely tried her damnedest to block them out and keep them from coming. She had wanted to put everything about being a Charmed One behind her after she left California. In her opinion? Being a Charmed One had caused her nothing but heartache and despair and she wanted nothing more to do with that or the powers that came with it.

But wishing it away hadn't made it so.

No matter how hard she had tried, apparently being a Charmed One and a witch was something you were until death. Of course, many had tried to hasten her into that state, but she had always managed to fight her way out of it and destroy the demons that had come to destroy her. There hadn't been much small talk involved in those fights. She had grown past the bantering with the bad guys and just sought to get out of the fight alive.

It did seem like a worthy goal. Get through the fight and don't get yourself killed. She had used that as a mantra with each fight and it had worked.

Of course, she had also been incredibly lucky that the Source hadn't sent his very best to kill her. She kept expecting it to happen, but so far, he had stayed away from that.

This was a good thing considering Cole, no Belthazor had been the one who had helped teach her to fight the demons that came after her and her sisters. It would be almost impossible to fight against him since he knew most of her moves and knew her strengths.

She frowned, careful not to let Clay see it.

It was hard to think of Cole by his demonic name, but it had been something she had been trying harder and harder to do everytime he showed up in her thoughts. That was happening a lot more often than she was happy with lately.

Okay, if she was honest, it was more confusing than anything that she was thinking about him so much as of late. They hadn't exactly parted as friends and she was expecting that some day in her future, she would end up having to fight him, whether she wanted to or not.

This definitely wasn't something she was looking forward to.

Could she honestly fight him with the intention of vanquishing him? Could she really fight him and kill him if it came to that?

She wasn't sure she could purposefully try to kill him --- no matter how much he had wanted her dead that night back in Fandom.

Phoebe sighed and looked out over the lake. She really wished that she could get all of these thoughts to just go away. For awhile, she had been so numb, she hadn't thought much about everything that had happened between them back in Fandom and afterwards. The pain had filled up everything so she hadn't allowed herself to think much on everything that had happened. She hadn't allowed herself to think about Cole.

Yet now, he was always in her thoughts and on her mind and she really didn't understand why that was happening now. She didn't need to deal with that extra pain and emotion right now with so many things going on. Thinking about him hurt.

Those thoughts were shoved out of her head when she felt someone wrap an arrm around her throat and pull her backwards. She went to fight back when she felt cold metal against her side and she froze.

Gun.

A gun was being jabbed hard into her side.

"Move a muscle, scream or try in any way to fight and I will kill you, lady," the voice above her head said in an angry tone.

Phoebe swallowed and turned her head slightly. Her voice was shaking as she tried to deal with the fact that a gun was being held on her. "Clay?"

"Oh, Pheebs..." His voice sounded different and when he moved into her line of sight, she was forced to bite back a gasp. He didn't look any different, except that his eyes had turned a flat black colour. "I'm so sorry you got dragged into this, Pheebs."

There appeared to be a gun being held on him as well.

"Clay, what the hell is going on?"

"Shut up," the man holding her growled, hitting her in the back of the head with the gun.

Phoebe didn't make a sound as she felt pain flare in her head and then she collapsed unconscious against her captor.



Miles away, he jerked his head up and narrowed his eyes as he tried to pinpoint what had suddenly disturbed him so much. He had been going over the information he had dug up on Phoebe's boyfriend and planning how best to use it with the least amount of pain for Phoebe. He wanted her to know the truth, but he hated the idea that he wold be the one hurting her -- again. He went back to sorting things out when the feeling came again, this time stronger.

Fear.

It was a sense of fear so intense that he could taste it and the demon in him relished it -- wanted to feed on it. He snarled, eyes going black as he fought the demon back. The next time the fear flooded him it was so strong that he staggered. There was a sense of blind panic that he had only ever felt from one person.

She was in danger.

Somewhere, Phoebe was in enough trouble that her terror was strong enough to slap out at him in a physical way. Worried, he abandoned the idea of continuing to hide his presence from her. Something was very wrong and she was terrified. When he felt the surge of terror again, he opened up the long unused link between the two of them.

~Phoebe?~

The answer he got back was fear, an empathic scream and then a shock of pain. Then he felt nothing at the other end of the link.

~PHOEBE! Phoebe, answer me!~

All he got back was a hollow echo. She was either unconscious or she was dead.

He growled, shifting into demon form. He would have to track her in this form. He refused to accept that she could be dead. It just was not an option. He focused on the last empathic screams and where they had come from. When he locked on to them, he shimmered to where they had come from to look around.

If Phoebe had been hurt, or if someone really had ended up killing her, Hell was going to get a sudden influx of new citizens. He would personally re-populate Hell with every person who had been involved in her getting harmed in any way.

She may not love him any longer, but damn it, she was still His witch and she wasn't allowed to be harmed in any way. Whatever she felt for him, even if she did wind up hunting him one day, he wasn't about to let any harm come to her, ever. He owed her at least that much.