deeperwonderment | Is There A Fragment Of Light?

Title: Is There A Fragment Of Light?
Author:

not_from_stars
Fandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Stephen Hart/Abby Maitland, Nick Cutter/Abby Maitland, Implied Nick Cutter/Abby Maitland/Stephen Hart
Rating/Category: PG-13
Summary: They had seen and been through so much, but now there was a gulf between them that neither man knew if they could ever fix it. One thing was sure, Nick couldn't just watch Stephen walk away again.
Words: 3,127
Notes: Written for

heeroluva for

yuletide 2010

He was comfortably curled up in bed with Abby when the conversation happened. When he looked back on this a long time later, he would remember it as being the strangest conversation he had ever had in bed with someone.

Ever.

Leave it to Abby to provide yet another memorable learning experience for him.

He was holding her close to him with his face buried in her hair. They had enjoyed a wonderful night that ended in an energetic round of sex. He was feeling completely content and just about to drift into a happy sleep with the woman he was coming to care for deeper and deeper each day. It was going to be a lovely morning in a few hours...

"You should tell him," Abby's too awake and too cognizant voice caused his eyes to snap open.

Or not.

"Abby..?"

"I mean, it's really only fair that he knows." She turned over in his arms so that she could face him. "It would make the both of you happy and would therefore make me happy, too."

"Abby, what are you talking about?"

Her eyes stared into his. "Nick."

So much for sleep.

Stephen sighed and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling of the bedroom. Not to be deterred, Abby laid her head on his chest. "Abby don't. Don't ask me to hurt him again. I can't do that."

She sighed, running a hand through his hair in a gesture of comfort. "I'm not asking you to do anything, Stephen. I'm suggesting that the two of you would be a lot happier and feel a lot better if everything was out in the open."

He closed his eyes, not wanting Abby to see the conflict, or the pain he was feeling. "Haven't I done enough to him?"

Abby stiffened beside him. "You didn't do anything to him, Stephen. Helen hurt him. Helen seduced you. Helen caused the loss of this Claudia person that Nick apparently loved before they messed up something on that trip."

"It took both of us to cheat on him," Stephen pointed out.

"Yes, but you didn't do it to be a bastard and hurt him. She did."

"He'll never believe that, Abby. You saw his face when she dropped that on him."

"Yes, he was devastated, but I know that Nick was already seeing everything a lot clearer about Helen by that time." She ran her hand down his chest. "I'm not saying that everything is going to be instantly perfect between you two, but Stephen, he's hurting as much as you are. He hates the tension between the two of you as much as you do. It's been months and the space between the two of you is tearing you both apart."

Stephen sighed, opening his eyes. "I guess if anyone had an idea what he was thinking or feeling, it would be you."

She smiled, snuggling into him, knowing she had won a battle with getting him to give her suggestion serious consideration. "I would be able to see it even if I wasn't dating both of you, Stephen. Both of you are wearing your hearts on your sleeves and trying to hide it in every way imaginable."

"Abby, I don't want to hurt anyone again. There's been too much of that. I don't want to hurt Cutter and I don't want to hurt you. I care too much about you both. And you're such an important part of my life."

Abby leaned up on her arm so that she could look down into his face. "What? You think that I'm going to feel threatened or pushed aside if you guys finally admit what there is between the two of you?" He didn't respond, but him tightening his arms around her and closing his eyes again spoke volumes. "Stephen, no." She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on each of his closed eyes and then leaned back. "Look at me."

It took a few moments, but Stephen finally opened his eyes again and looked at her. "Abby..."

She placed her finger over his lips. "Hush. I know both of you too well for that, Stephen. I'm not going to be hurt or feel abandoned."

"Because I'm not letting go of what we have just so --" His voice faltered.

"--so you can get that other piece of yourself? I know that you and I fit together, but Stephen, a person can have more than one missing piece that they need to feel complete." She smiled at him and he was struck by the emotion and sincerity in her eyes. "I know that feeling because you and Nick are both pieces of me. That's not going to go away just because you guys might finally do what you've wanted to do for a long time." She suddenly gave him a teasing grin. "Besides, it could be kind of cool in a porn movie type of way. I get the guys I care about and they get to be with the one they love, too. Excellent story for my memoirs later in life."

"You wouldn't --!" Stephen narrowed his eyes at her when he saw her laughter. "You are a very dangerous woman, Abby Maitland."

*******************

A few nights later, Nick was outside by the pool that had been put in at his place at some point. He couldn't remember when it was installed, but he would bet that Abby and Conner had something to do with it. They spent a lot of time at his place and if Abby wasn't with Stephen, she was usually here with him. On the nights that she wasn't with one of them, he worried about where she was and her safety.

Not that he would ever suggest out loud that she couldn't take care of herself. It was just that he had lost so many people lately that he wasn't sure he would survive losing someone else he loved.

Helen.

Stephen.

Claudia Brown.

To be honest, out of all of them, he wasn't sorry to have lost Helen. The person she had been was nothing like the person she had become. He knew that his life was better off without her in it, even if she was a danger to all of them by being out there somewhere.

Claudia Brown, well it was better if he just didn't think of her too much. He still didn't know how someone could be completely wiped out -- not only out of her life but out of the memories of everyone who had known or worked with her. It was one of those things that he promised to figure out -- if only because he owed her. He was positive that whatever happened to her wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for the interest they had in each other. Of course, that kiss in front of Helen before they went through the anomaly probably hadn't helped matters.

But it wasn't the two of them that he felt the most regrets over.

No, the one he felt the most regrets over was Stephen.

True, Stephen hadn't disappeared and he still saw him every day, but there was a gulf between them now that had never been there before. That distance and that tension hurt more than he could put into words.

Stephen was the one that he failed the most. Not only had he hid the fact that he suspected Helen was alive, but he had made so many wrong decisions when it came to him and Stephen. One of those wrong decisions had apparently led to his best friend being put in a position to be seduced by Helen.

Oh, he couldn't and wouldn't deny that he had been shocked and angry over the affair, but he had seen Stephen's face when Helen dropped that bomb. It wasn't something that he was proud of, and it was something that had hurt Stephen when Helen did that. He had heard the tone of Stephen's voice when he tried to stop her from saying anything, but Helen had continued on with it. She wanted to hurt him and had ended up also hurting Stephen in the process.

Stephen, who didn't deserve to be the method of revenge for anyone.

A noise at the patio door pulled him from his thoughts and he turned to greet Abby with a smile.

A smile that faltered on his face, because it wasn't Abby standing in the doorway.

Stephen was standing in the doorway, looking more uncertain and uncomfortable than he could ever remember him appearing. Seeing the darkness in his eyes and the way he was standing there, Nick would have liked to have had Helen within his reach right about now. When had his friend developed the walls that he could see were there now? The Stephen he remembered from over the years had never looked like this.

"Stephen," Nick finally said. He searched his face, trying to find some clue as to why he was here, but he wasn't going to ask. Asking might make him leave and that was the last thing Nick wanted right now. "Do you want a beer? I believe Abby stashed some in the fridge for people."

Stephen quirked a faint smile. "Well, someone needs to do your shopping so you make sure to eat." He shrugged. "She does the same at my place, too. She seems to think that neither one of us takes care of ourselves worth a damn." His tone of voice said clearly that she was probably right.

Nick nodded and walked past Stephen and into the house. They were both silent as they went into the kitchen to retrieve the beers. They were leaning on opposite counters and the silence stretched on for what seemed to be a long time to both of them. Finally, Nick couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Stephen, about Helen." He saw the small flinch from Stephen and hated that he had been the one to cause it. "How long?"

Stephen shook his head. "Not long." He looked down at the floor. "It had only happened a couple of times and it was a stupid decision."

"Why didn't you tell me? I mean, I can get that you didn't tell me when it was happening, but after she disappeared and we thought she was dead? You could have said something to me."

Stephen gave him a look of disbelief. "God, Cutter. You were already so torn up and hurting. You were grieving for your presumed dead wife. What kind of asshole would I have been at that point to do that? What was I supposed to say? 'By the way, Helen was cheating on you with me before she died, pass me another beer?'" Stephen shook his head. "I couldn't do that to you. It wasn't even that I was purposefully trying to hide it at that point. I just didn't want to be the one to cause you even more pain." He took a drink from the bottle in his hand. "I had already done enough."

Nick didn't hold Stephen responsible for the affair any longer. After all, he knew first hand how manipulative Helen could be of the people around her. What Helen wanted, Helen got and Stephen never would have stood a chance. But there were things he had to ask, if only to get them out in the open where they couldn't silently cut at the two of them any longer. "And later?"

"What was the point?" Stephen's voice sounded tired. "It was done with and she was gone. And, to be honest, with everything else it just sort of faded into memory and I didn't think about it."

"Did you love her?"

"At first? I think maybe I did -- or I thought I did. Later though, I just couldn't figure out what I felt for her. My feelings for Helen weren't like ..." He closed his mouth and shook his head. "I never wanted you to find out what had happened, Cutter, and I never would have wanted you to find out in the way you did."

"Helen could be --"

"-- a real bitch when she wanted to be. I could see it in her eyes when the two of you came back through the anomaly. She was out to hurt you in any way she could and she thought that killing our friendship would be the perfect revenge."

"You asked her not to do it," Nick said quietly. "I heard you."

Stephen lifted his head to look at Nick. "Of course I did! I knew what she was doing and why she was doing. She wanted to punish you for not doing everything she wanted you to do and for daring to start moving on with your life. I didn't know what had exactly happened to piss her off --"

"Claudia Brown kissed me."

"That would have done it," Stephen nodded. "That would have pissed her off if you were finally showing serious interest in another woman."

"I don't see why it mattered so much to her. She's the one that left me."

"Helen liked being in control of every situation," Stephen said quietly. "She didn't have any control when you found someone else you cared about." He met Nick's eyes. "Did you really kiss someone else in front of her?"

"If I recall correctly, Claudia kissed me and I kissed her back." Nick shrugged. "It felt right. I cared a great deal about Claudia and she apparently shared those feelings since shortly before that, she had asked me not to go through the anomaly." Nick's breath hitched and he looked down at the floor. "She was worried about something -- not like herself -- and she asked me not to go. I told her that I had to do this. I thought I was doing something right, that I was going to keep Helen from messing up any time lines." He shook his head. "Helen must have already planned what was going to happen and I was too stupid to listen to Claudia's warnings. I lost people I cared about that day."

Stephen's shoulders hunched slightly and he set the empty beer bottle on the cabinet. "This was a bad idea. I should never have come here tonight."

Nick stared at him and he felt things tightening in his chest as Stephen started walking away. He hated this and he hated the way things were between them. He missed his best friend, but more than that, he was tired of losing good things in his life because he didn't speak up.

And he couldn't stand to see Stephen walking away again. It seemed that he had been watching it too much lately and he couldn't do it any more.

"You didn't go with her," Nick said in the silence.

Stephen stopped. "What?"

"When Helen came back and dropped her bombshell on me. When she did her best to sever everything that might have ever been between you and I. She asked you to go with her, to travel through the anomalies with her and be with her."

"So?"

Nick moved closer to him. "You turned her down. You told her no and didn't play along with her plans. You refused her." Nick's voice was quiet. "Why?"

"It doesn't matter, Cutter." Stephen's voice was softer than Nick had ever heard it.

"It matters to me, Stephen. It matters to me why you told her no after everything."

Stephen was quiet and then he sighed and turned around to face Nick. "Because, I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave you behind. She used me to hurt you and I couldn't let that be. I wanted to stay with you and know that you were going to be all right. Is that what you want to hear?" Stephen's eyes were dark. "You're a part of me -- you've been for a long time -- and I didn't want to lose you completely. Whether you hate me or not, I couldn't leave and I couldn't allow myself to be used as a further weapon against you. I didn't want Helen."

Nick reached out and laid his hand against the side of Stephen's face and he felt Stephen shudder. "You chose me over Helen," he said wonderingly. It wasn't really a question, more of a statement of what he was getting from Stephen's flow of words.

"Yeah, I did."

"You've bared your soul, now it's my turn. I put walls between us all of these months because I felt that I had let you down, Stephen. I thought that I must have done something to hurt you. When you turned Helen down and walked away from her that day, that was all that mattered to me, that you had said no. You told her no and stayed where I was. I didn't know how to tell you how much that meant to me, and then I was afraid of how I felt. I kept you at a distance because I didn't want to fail you again."

Stephen reached out to grab Nick's shoulder and the next thing he knew was that the two of them were holding on to each other tightly and he could feel Nick's breath on his neck. "You didn't fail me, Cutter, but don't go any further unless you're planning to hang on, because there is no going back if we take the next step."

"I don't plan to go back."

"Nick," Stephen said softly, and that was the last thing that either of them said that made sense for a very long time.

*******************

Later, a long while later, both men were very sated and a lot more cheerful than they had been in a long time. They were talking about things and getting everything sorted out between them, and to Stephen, it was almost like things had always been before. No, it was even better than it had ever been before.

They were drinking their third beer when Nick looked over at him. "What made you decide to come over here to talk tonight."

Stephen gave him a confused look. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't expect to see you for awhile," Nick admitted. "Not with the way things had been."

"If you didn't expect me over then why did you page me?"

"I didn't page you," Nick said in confusion.

"I got a message from you two hours before I decided to show up."

"But I didn't send you a ---"

Both men stopped and stared at each other, then broke into matching grins.

"Abby!"

Their lives were already interesting and both men had the feeling that after tonight things were only going to get better. They both felt like they had finally come home.