Lost Without You
May. 10th, 2011 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deeperwondermentTitle: Lost Without You
Author:shadowcat
Fandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Captain Becker
Rating/Category: PG
Summary: I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you -- Delta Goodrem
Words: 950
Notes: This was written for challenge #012 -- Song Lyrics at drabble365days
He really hated feeling this way – feeling like there was a giant part of his heart and soul missing. There was a large part of him that was missing, though. It was the part of him that had been ripped away when Helen Cutter started playing her games. The part of him that was ripped away when it was decided that she couldn’t be allowed to run freely through time any longer.
It was the same part that was ripped away from him when Abby was declared missing and presumed dead.
He knew in his heart that she wasn’t really dead; just as he also knew that Connor and Danny were still out there somewhere. He knew all of this to be true, somehow, but it didn’t ease the ache he felt when he heard those words. It didn’t help how lost he felt without Abby in his arms each night.
When he was a teenager, he used to laugh at all of those songs about people feeling lost without the person they loved when they were gone. He hadn’t understood why someone would let themselves become so intertwined with another person that they needed them so much on a day to day basis.
He wasn’t laughing now.
The truth was that he did feel lost without Abby.
It wasn’t just that the nights were lonely without her and he hadn’t spent a night alone before this in months. It wasn’t just that he missed hearing her voice talking to him over coffee in the morning – although, god, he really did miss mornings with her.
No, what added to the feeling of loss was how different everything around him seemed while she was gone. His flat was back to being stark and bare without her presence to cheer it up.
The spark that Abby Maitland added to everything around her by just being her was missing. He knew he wasn’t the only one that noticed that empty presence. He could see it in the eyes of men he worked with. He could hear it in Jenny’s voice; see it in Lester’s demeanor when he didn’t think anyone would notice.
There was more sadness and fear than excitement when they went to an open anomaly now. Instead of being on guard and a little excited to face whatever might come through it, there was a stiffness in all of them now. They were tired of being disappointed with every anomaly that opened. Some of the men had given up hoping that their missing teammates would ever find their way back home. No one wanted to go to an opening, but to protect the public from anything that might come through, they had no choice but to do their jobs.
It was the job that kept him functioning some days. It was the job that gave him something to do between missing Abby; between those times when he was praying that all of them would return soon. They needed to come home.
He needed them to come home.
He was the one that packed up the belongings of his missing colleagues. He wasn’t about to let anyone else do it. At the ARC, Lester secured their lockers, but it was Becker who took care of their personal residences. He was careful with everything – even if he did bring several of Abby’s things back to his flat. Somehow, he didn’t think she would mind. Everything else of theirs went into a personal storage site managed by the ARC. At least this way they could keep an eye on them on their own terms.
Except for Rex.
He moved Rex in with him. He wasn’t about to put him in the menagerie. Sarah and Jenny had already taken Sid and Nancy to live with them, so at least they were taken care of. Abby would have been broken-hearted if her three pets had been moved into cages without her there.
It helped to have Rex with him because the lizard seemed to be just as confused about Abby’s absence as he felt at times.
Nights were more difficult to deal with because there wasn’t a lot for him to do. Nights were when Abby’s absence seemed to haunt him the worst and he was even more lost. Nights were when he had to deal with the emptiness and his mind would reply times that the nights had been a lot more pleasant for him.
When those times got bad he would find himself sitting on the balcony and looking up at the sky, hoping that somewhere she was doing the same. He missed her so much and he couldn’t believe how lost he felt at times or how his perception of things changed. It wasn’t the same that he would be reacting if they had done something so simple as breaking up. He realized that in his own mind. If they had broken up, she would still be around and the world wouldn’t feel so empty without her. She’d still be there. She would still be a part of everything in his life. Even apart they would still be friends and colleagues.
This, though, this was completely different. This was something that happened to them and they didn’t get to make a choice in. There had been no way of knowing that when Abby, Danny and Connor chased after Helen they wouldn’t be able to come back home. This was something that had no closure or no ending. This was him spending day after day and night after night wondering if she was safe and if he would ever see her again.
This was a living hell that he would never wish on anyone.
Author:
shadowcatFandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Captain Becker
Rating/Category: PG
Summary: I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you -- Delta Goodrem
Words: 950
Notes: This was written for challenge #012 -- Song Lyrics at drabble365days
He really hated feeling this way – feeling like there was a giant part of his heart and soul missing. There was a large part of him that was missing, though. It was the part of him that had been ripped away when Helen Cutter started playing her games. The part of him that was ripped away when it was decided that she couldn’t be allowed to run freely through time any longer.
It was the same part that was ripped away from him when Abby was declared missing and presumed dead.
He knew in his heart that she wasn’t really dead; just as he also knew that Connor and Danny were still out there somewhere. He knew all of this to be true, somehow, but it didn’t ease the ache he felt when he heard those words. It didn’t help how lost he felt without Abby in his arms each night.
When he was a teenager, he used to laugh at all of those songs about people feeling lost without the person they loved when they were gone. He hadn’t understood why someone would let themselves become so intertwined with another person that they needed them so much on a day to day basis.
He wasn’t laughing now.
The truth was that he did feel lost without Abby.
It wasn’t just that the nights were lonely without her and he hadn’t spent a night alone before this in months. It wasn’t just that he missed hearing her voice talking to him over coffee in the morning – although, god, he really did miss mornings with her.
No, what added to the feeling of loss was how different everything around him seemed while she was gone. His flat was back to being stark and bare without her presence to cheer it up.
The spark that Abby Maitland added to everything around her by just being her was missing. He knew he wasn’t the only one that noticed that empty presence. He could see it in the eyes of men he worked with. He could hear it in Jenny’s voice; see it in Lester’s demeanor when he didn’t think anyone would notice.
There was more sadness and fear than excitement when they went to an open anomaly now. Instead of being on guard and a little excited to face whatever might come through it, there was a stiffness in all of them now. They were tired of being disappointed with every anomaly that opened. Some of the men had given up hoping that their missing teammates would ever find their way back home. No one wanted to go to an opening, but to protect the public from anything that might come through, they had no choice but to do their jobs.
It was the job that kept him functioning some days. It was the job that gave him something to do between missing Abby; between those times when he was praying that all of them would return soon. They needed to come home.
He needed them to come home.
He was the one that packed up the belongings of his missing colleagues. He wasn’t about to let anyone else do it. At the ARC, Lester secured their lockers, but it was Becker who took care of their personal residences. He was careful with everything – even if he did bring several of Abby’s things back to his flat. Somehow, he didn’t think she would mind. Everything else of theirs went into a personal storage site managed by the ARC. At least this way they could keep an eye on them on their own terms.
Except for Rex.
He moved Rex in with him. He wasn’t about to put him in the menagerie. Sarah and Jenny had already taken Sid and Nancy to live with them, so at least they were taken care of. Abby would have been broken-hearted if her three pets had been moved into cages without her there.
It helped to have Rex with him because the lizard seemed to be just as confused about Abby’s absence as he felt at times.
Nights were more difficult to deal with because there wasn’t a lot for him to do. Nights were when Abby’s absence seemed to haunt him the worst and he was even more lost. Nights were when he had to deal with the emptiness and his mind would reply times that the nights had been a lot more pleasant for him.
When those times got bad he would find himself sitting on the balcony and looking up at the sky, hoping that somewhere she was doing the same. He missed her so much and he couldn’t believe how lost he felt at times or how his perception of things changed. It wasn’t the same that he would be reacting if they had done something so simple as breaking up. He realized that in his own mind. If they had broken up, she would still be around and the world wouldn’t feel so empty without her. She’d still be there. She would still be a part of everything in his life. Even apart they would still be friends and colleagues.
This, though, this was completely different. This was something that happened to them and they didn’t get to make a choice in. There had been no way of knowing that when Abby, Danny and Connor chased after Helen they wouldn’t be able to come back home. This was something that had no closure or no ending. This was him spending day after day and night after night wondering if she was safe and if he would ever see her again.
This was a living hell that he would never wish on anyone.
