In Her Own Words II

[deeperwonderment]

Title: In Her Own Words II
Author: shadowcat
Fandom: Primeval
Pairing/Characters: Abby Maitland
Rating/Category: PG
Summary: As I write this entry, my notes and previous entries tell me that it’s been six months since I chased Helen through the anomaly and was trapped here.
Words: 1,116
Notes: This was written for challenge #013 -- Writer's Choice at drabble365days





As I write this entry, my notes and previous entries tell me that it’s been six months since I chased Helen through the anomaly and was trapped here. Six months since I last saw any of the people that I loved – six months since I’ve had the luxury of hot water.

Yes, I’m still capable of thinking about the luxuries that I’ve lost, too. You never realize how many things in your life that you take for granted until you no longer have them. Things like coffee, tea, chocolate, hot showers, bubble baths, music, electricity, Becker, friends, telly, sex.

Becker.

As much as I miss everyone back home, I find that I miss Becker even more than the rest of them. I’ve never been in love with someone like I am with Captain Becker and I’m scared that I’ll never be able to tell him.

Or to tell him again. I told him that I loved him not too long before the three of us set out on this mission, but I can’t remember if I ever told him exactly how much he meant to me. I know I didn’t tell him the words as often as I should have. I’m just not good with words like other people are. I know that would surprise some people, because I always have something to say in a crisis situation or when we’re dealing with creature incursions, but that’s different. A situation like that isn’t something personal and I can separate myself and be the scientist or the lizard girl. It’s funny because girls are supposed to be all about their emotions and letting people know them, but I’ve never been like that.

I’ve never been able to be like that.

I wish I could have been because Becker deserved to have someone who could tell him every day that they loved him and that they couldn’t imagine their life without him.

Has he found someone like that now, I wonder? We weren’t together that long, only a year. I wouldn’t blame him if he has moved on by now. Six months is a very long time and it’s not like he even knows if I’ll ever make it home again.

I don’t doubt him or his love for me. I don’t doubt that in any way and I’d fight someone over a cliff if they even tried to say that now. But more than anything, I don’t want him sad and I don’t want him to be lonely. Becker is a wonderful man and he deserves so much more than to wait day after day for who knows how long to know if his girlfriend is ever going to come back to him. He deserves to have someone that loves him be there where he is and I hate the idea of him being alone and waiting for me to return.

If there was a way back home, wouldn’t I have found it by now? If there was a way to get to me, Becker would have found that way before now. If there was any possibility of locating me, he would have done that already. I know Becker and I know he’s already tried to move heaven and hell to get me back. It just hasn’t worked and I don’t want him to waste his life trying when it’s beginning to look more and more like there isn’t any hope.

I’m trying desperately not to give up hope of ever finding my way back to my own time again, but it’s been six months and there hasn’t been any anomalies.

This is one of the only times in the last three years that I have ever wished to be more like Helen Cutter. If I had her knowledge and her way with creating things, then I might have been home by now. After all, she figured out not only how to predict anomaly locations, but also how to open them and how to move through them to go where she wanted to go in time.

But I’m not Helen. Not even to get home would I want to be her because to be her would mean that I gave up my compassion for others and that I let power or the idea of power rule me. That will never be me because I would never allow it to be me. I wouldn’t sacrifice the people I love to further my career or my thirst for power.

I don’t think Becker would ever want me to change like that, either. No matter how short our time together was, I don’t think he would have loved me if he thought I could ever be like her. I’ll hold onto that belief that he had in me – even when it gets hard for me to believe the best of myself.

I would hope that if I had stayed back at the ARC and this had never happened that my friends would have stopped me if I ever seemed to be anything like that bitch. I would hope that if I ever became a threat to those around me that Becker or Danny would have done what one of us should have done to Helen a long time ago.

If someone had killed or arrested Helen a long time ago, would any of this had happened? Would Cutter have still been killed if someone had done something after she caused the death of Stephen? Would Connor, Danny and I been forced to put everything in our lives on hold so that we could chase her into the future?

Would all three of us be safe at our homes right now if someone had made that hard decision to end life instead of letting her continue to be free enough to dive and attack?

I don’t know. There are too many questions and too many variables that I don’t know. Hell, would I have been able to take Helen’s life if I had the opportunity long before this? I don’t know. All I know was that when she threatened to destroy all of mankind, I knew that she had to be killed. Just because I didn’t do it all by myself doesn’t mean that I didn’t have a hand in it. I was prepared to kill her and knew that when Danny told me to leave he and Connor behind.

The light is starting to fade and my hand is hurting, so I guess it’s time to leave these thoughts at an end for now.

If someone finds me and finds this, I love you, Becker. I will always love you and I hope that you’re not in pain.

Abby Maitland